The tale of two aunts

In the last two months, two of my aunts (periyamma) passed away. The first one had two sons, three daughters and ten grand children. The first son is a retired Engineer from PWD; the second son an agriculturist; one of the daughters is a teacher; other two daughters are married to businessmen; one of the grand son is a business man; another grand son is a computer science research scholar at IISc, Bangalore. But this periyamma’s old age life, despite having such a large family, was very troubled. No body was willing to take care of her and as a result she was kept in an old age home for some years before she became very ill. During the funeral, there was reflectance among the sons to perform the rights. The IISc scientist grand son didn’t even bother to remove his shoes at the funeral ground near the pyre. As soon as the funeral was over, every one was in a hurry to get back to normal schedule and hence the final rite (karumadhi) was performed urgently, not even wanting for all the relatives to participate and pay their respect.

The second periyamma was not a direct relative, though she was living with my sister’s family for the last 18 years. She was 95+ when she died. She lost her husband when she was very young and had no children. When she died, my brother-in-law, though did not have any obligation, performed all the rituals assuming the place of her son. I performed the rituals assuming to be her maternal side representative. The funeral was well attended, the entire neighbourhood and all the relatives attended and payed their homage. The last rite (karumadhi) was performed at Perur, without skipping any of the rituals.

I wonder about this irony. One lady, with a large family chain and educated family members spent her last days almost like an orphan. Even in her death, I felt that she did not get the respect she really deserved. Her demise was a relief to many.

But the other lady, though having no surviving blood relationship or a legal family for more than fifty years, lived and died as a complete family person. Many miss her today.

The revelation is that, the completeness in life comes not with the physical presence of family members. But with the love and affection we nurture among them.

Life is just not about living with family members. It is about creating a family out of the members living with.

Who am I? (part 2)

This is one of the stories that I often remember whenever I think of the question “Who am I?”

A sage, an enlightened soul once came to a country. The word about his radiance and power spread across the town and a lot of people started visiting the sage. When the news reached the king of the country, he too wanted to see the sage. He sent a messenger to the sage, inviting him to the palace. But the sage refused to move out of his kudil. Surprised and even enraged by this response, the king himself came to the kudil to meet him.

When the king arrived the sage was in meditation. So the king had to wait for some time. When the sage opened the eyes, he saw the king standing in front of him. The king thought that the sage would be pleased, because the king himself had come to see him. But to his shock, without any expression on the face, the sage asked him, “Who are you?”

This took the king by surprise and he said with a tinge of anger in his voice, “Can you not guess who I am…? I am the king of this country!”

The sage looked at the king. “Oh… is that so? The king is your position… your job…! But who are you?”

With his face becoming even sterner, the king answered “I am the great Raja Marthanda Chakravarthi! Haven’t you heard of my name?”

The sage politely told him… “Yes. I have heard of that name. But it is just a name and you are not the name…! Who are YOU?!”

Now, beginning to get confused, the king realized that this man was no ordinary man. So he thought for a while and said pointing to his own body “See me, I am the king, Raja Marthanda Chakravarthi, in this body, alive and standing in front of you!”

The sage smiled and said “That is just your body… but who are YOU?”

This triggered something in the king and this time he cautiously said, “I am this body with all the flesh, blood and every thing put together”

The sage was not impressed. Pointing to the king’s arm he asked “What is that?”

“My arm” said the king.

“YOUR arm? If that is YOUR arm, and the arm is not YOU, and like that every part of YOUR body belongs to you but it is not YOU, then who are YOU?”

The king started realizing that this was not a simple question. So he thought for a while and finally said, “I think … I am the prana… the breath, because if there is no breath, then I won’t be there”.

The smile in the sage’s face broadened. He said “can you hold your breath for a while?” and the king obeyed. Then the sage asked him, “So, when you were not breathing, did you cease to exist? You were still here, right? YOU were breathing. So, if the breath is not YOU, then WHO was breathing?”

The king was now totally lost. With all reverence he said… “I guess it is my thought, my feelings and emotions, my intellect…” before he could complete the sage interrupted,

“MY thoughts, MY feelings, MY this thing… MY that thing… WHO is that MY?”

The king realized his ignorance and fell at the feet of the sage and told “Swamiji, please take me as you disciple and let me know the answer…”

The sage smiled and said, “If you keep meditating on this one question, you will attain enlightenment!”

When my Guru told me this story, it created a stirr in me, and I did loose many nights sleep thinking of this story. My Guru did give me some answers. But, he also said that those were his answers and that need not be mine. It took me many years to get just glimpses of my anwer. I know that no one could give me my answer. Every one needs to find their own answer. I am still searching inside me!

Who am I? (part 1)

There was a response from Dass to my previous post. I thought of replying to him through the comments. But when I started moving into this profound question “What is my true charater?”, I thought it is worth writing it as a separate post.

Dass says that he has the answer for my question “what is the true charater?”. He adds that the true character is ‘how we behave when nobody watches us’. This is what we have been taught right from our childhood.

But, my quest is beyond just finding a simple answer to this profound question. In fact it is not a question at all. It is a trigger to a deep thought process. The more you go deeper into this question, the more you will begin to understand that you can not understand everything!

Character is a collection of personal values and beliefs. You are characterized by what you stand for, what you believe in, what you value. I am not talking about the pretensions and hypocrisies that we portray for the sake of others. I am talking about our own deep routed values. But my view is that, even these values change with respect to different times; different situations; with different people. People could even have some contradicting values with certain values overriding others, depending on situations.

When I was in primary school, I was a very pious person. When I was in the high school, I was a staunch atheist. I never believed in God then. When I was in the college, I was a rational spiritualist (whatever it means to you!). Today, I believe in God but not in Godsm! Now, what is my true character? A theist? Or an atheist?

Some days I am in tune with God in front of a simple picture, and some other days I look at the same picture as a piece of paper. Some times, I do not miss going to temple on Saturdays; some days I do not even think about going to temple for weeks together. Some times I rigorously take upon certain practices which appeal to me (such as reading “Sundara Kandam” every morning…). At times I tend to question those who religiously take such practices. Am I religious? Or rational?

Some days when somebody comes to me begging, I feel deeply compassionate and help him. At times, I do not feel like even giving a rupee and I reason out with an argument that by helping we only encourage them to beg. Am I compassionate? Or a practical?

Some days I tend to get angry for small things. At times, even bigger mistakes do not invoke any anger in me. What is my temperament? Short tempered? Or Balanced? Some times I tend not to forget even small injustice done to me. At the same time, I forgive even those who had played havoc in my life. What is my true character? Forgiving? Or revengeful?

I am inspired by those who are successful and derive a great deal of motivation to programme my life towards ‘achieving’ great things. But, at the same time I believe that there is nothing to be ‘achieved’; the journey inwards seems more meaningful than outward accomplishment. Who am I? A materialist? Or spiritual?

My view is that there is no single “character” for any of us. Every one is good and bad, compassionate and practical, materialistic and spiritual, to some extent. Our character keeps changing every day, with every situation, with every person, with every experience.

The only rule that I follow is, ‘be guided by your inner self, every moment’. There may be contradictions. So be it. The trouble starts only when I force a “character” against my inner self, for the sake of others. I believe, I need to be true to myself first, before attempting to be true to others. So, those who know me, only “perceive” me as what I am to them at that point in time. But is their ‘perception’ my character?

Nobody knows who really I am! How can they, when I myself am yet to find it out?

People or perceptions?

My father, a man of 82 years, was having some difficulty in hearing. I took him to one of the best known ENT hospitals in Chennai. The young lady doctor checked him up and said that there was some wax deposit inside the ear and it needed cleaning. She used a modern vacuum pump to suck the wax out and cleaned it to some extent. She said that there was still some solidified wax left and prescribed an ear drops which, if applied regularly, would dissolve and remove the wax. During the second visit, she checked and said that there was nothing wrong. My father was not happy at all. He looked bit disappointed.

After a few days, I took him to another known old ENT doctor. This doctor, an old man of 72 years is very experienced, though bit old styled in terms of his equipments and treatment. He checked my father and said the same things what the young lady doctor said. He also prescribed the same drop. But the difference was that he acknowledged that there was a problem and he assured that he would solve it.

( Lesson-1: Acknowledge others views and respect them: When someone comes to you with a problem, and if you say that there is no problem at all, you are actually questioning the wisdom of the other person. It offends him. He may think that you are not capable of understanding the problem, leave alone suggesting a solution to it.)

Another major difference with this old doctor was, as soon as we entered, he struck a chord with my father, engaged him in a conversation, checked him and then gave him the assurance that he would make him alright. He asked us to come after a week and promised that he would remove the block.

(Lesson-2: Establish a positive equation : The lady doctor thought my father was old and she was talking to me all the time explaining about his problem. Whenever my father said something to her, she just nodded and was replying back to me and not to him! So my father felt that he was never given importance. After all, it was his problem, not mine!)

When we went the week after, the doctor made my father sit and told him that he was going to perform the “cleaning”. An old nurse was waiting with a large syringe filled with warm water and a typical clinical bowl. A towel was put on the shoulder of my father for protection. The nurse held the bowl below the ear of my father, while the doctor pumped the water from the syringe into the year. The water splashed back into the bowl, collecting the dirt and wax from the ear. After doing this for a couple of times, the doctor showed my father, the dirt and wax in the bowel and said, “See this? This is what caused the problem. Now you will feel better. Don’t worry”. I could notice a high degree of satisfaction in my father’s face.

( Lesson-3: Make your actions visible : Both the young and old doctors did the same job of cleaning the wax. In fact, the young doctor used more powerful machine and perhaps it was a much better job of cleaning. But the problem was that my father never felt the “action”. He never saw what and how much was removed. )

My father was all praise for the old doctor. To him, the young lady doctor is not fit even to practice, and the old doctor is the best in the city. Is that really true? It certainly is not! It is just the perception of my father.

Come to think of it, we live only through “our perception” about others, whatever the “real” others may be! This is true with our colleagues, neighbours, and even with our own family members! You may be good to some and bad to some others. The difference is not in you. But in the perceptions of two sets of people. Even the ones who perceive you to be good today may change their opinion tomorrow due to some reason, even if you don’t change a bit.

Who are you in real? Good or bad? What is your “true” character? Or is there anything called “true” character at all? Or is it just perceptions?

The truth is that, we do not live with people; but with our perceptions!

What’s in the name?

Recently, I was in a village called Puthupalayam, on the banks of Cauvery, to attend the funeral of my old periyamma (aunt).

During the funeral, an old man was sitting besides me. Whenever somebody was called to perform some ritual, the old man kept asking me, who each of them was.

“Who is that boy in red shirt… oh… he is the son of ……?”

“ The man with spectacle… is he son-in law of ……?”

“ Is this the sister of……..?”

“ where is the last grand son of …….?”

While he kept asking all these to me, I could sense he also wanted to know who I was. Finally he did ask me…. “ Thambi entha vooru….?” (Where are you from?).

“I am from Madras” I said.

“ Neenga andha ammakku enna murai?” ( How are you related to the lady who passed away?)

“ Avanga en periyamma. En appavoda anny” ( She is my aunt. Wife of my father’s elder brother!)

“Ada… karuppan mahana nee?” ( Are you karuppan’s son?)

My father, though has a nice name, Sundararajan, was known in the village as Karuppan! I also noticed the sudden “Nee” from “neenga”! May be he realized I was not a stranger, but a close relative.

“Your father and I were bum pals you know… we used to play together… eat together….”

I was bit excited and asked him .. “Oh, is that so? What is your name?”

He looked at me strangely as if I had asked some thing disrespectful!

“Name…? Leave the name… mmm…. what good times we used to have…. we were all maaman machinan (cousins)… teasing each other and pulling the legs always …. Mmm… he studied well and went to town… and we are still stuck in this small place….”

He went on and on for some time. Then something struck me. All through the conversation, whenever he asked about someone, he never asked “What is his name? What is her name?… what is your name?”

He referred every one by their relationship with some other known person, and never bothered to know the name. Vaathiyar payyan (son of the teacher), Periya veetu peran (grand son of big house), Coimbaturekaran ponnu (daughter of the coimbatore person)… the relationship seems to be much more important to him. I realized that every one in the village were like that. Wherever I went, whomsoever I met, no body asked me what my name was. Whenever I was introduced, I was always referred as “my brother”, “my cousin”, “my chittappa payyan”, “Coimbatore periyaapa payyan” and so on. Even when they had to use the name, the relationship was always suffixed, like… Raja annan, Rani akka, Velusamy mama… and so on.

Come to think of it, I feel our urban children do not have any idea of so many relationships. For them a person is a name, and not a relationship! I even wonder if they know what different types of relationships exist. Appayee (father’s mother), Ammayee( Mother’s Mother), Periyappa (Father’s elder brother), Chitappa (Father’s younger brother), Chinnamma, Periyamma, Athai, Maami, Chinna athai, periya athai, Athai patti, Athaachi, thaai maama, anny, kolundhan, Kolundhiya, machaan, pangaali… mmm every relationship seems to have a specific name. But for the city kids, every elderly lady is an Aunty and all elderly men are Uncle!

They don’t even refer their siblings by relationship. Everybody is just a name. When a girl addresses a boy in public place as “Ram”, you can’t be sure if Ram is her brother or a boy friend! All my sisters address me as Anna. I always addressed my sister as Akka. Are we forgetting all that?

To our kids today, relationship seems totally insignificant compared to the name!

The periyamma who just passed away, used to be close to me, very fond me and even I am very fond of her… but to tell you frankly, I don’t know her name! I had never heard anybody referring her by name. It never occurred to me even once, to find out what her name was. Thinking of it now, it seems completely insignificant.

The old man who was sitting besides me, while leaving, did tell me “ karuppan kitta, mani maaman kettatha sollu” (tell your father that Mani uncle enquired him). Perhaps he thought it was fine to let me know his name. But by then, I knew, more than Mani, Maama was important.

East or West, which one is for you?

Motivation, goal setting, leadership, success programming, wealth creation…… these are the buzz words today! A huge number of people are making a lot of money out of telling others how to make money. How many of those who attend these sessions actually made money is anybody’s guess!

I have been reading many books on these subjects right from Napoleon Hills to Robin Sharma, and also attended a many motivation sessions including that of Jim Ron. With my fair amount of familiarity with the eastern philosophy, I notice a number of striking fundamental differences of these Western approaches to our philosophy. Some times I even wonder, if the Western philosophy would ever work with Indians, because it requires a paradigm shift to even understand their approach to life, leave alone practice it.

Here are some of the common western thoughts.

There are ways by which you can attract wealth and money in your life. You can become wealthy if you really want to become one. Set your goal clearly, spell it out and believe that you can achieve it. Let every thought, word and action be focused on the goal. The stronger your desire is the faster you will reach your goal. Dream of your future and you will create it.

Now let’s looks at some of the fundamental differences.

West focuses on attracting wealth, money, success and power. And it says define how much wealth you want and work towards it. But in East, our focus has always been not so much on money. Our philosophy says whatever you do, do it well and do not worry about the result. Gita says your focus should be on the karma and not on the end result. Do your duty, and leave the result to God.

West says you define what you want. East says, your purpose of being here is already defined. Look inside you, listen to you and discover your Swadharma. Once you discover, leave the rest to God and do not meddle with His design. He will take care of you. Go with the flow if you want to be happy.

West says You can change your life. East believes firmly in God, or the supreme power. We say, let Him work through you and do not resist. We believe that every word spoken, every action taken belongs to Him and hence the results will be guided by Him. We even go the extend of saying that, when it is He who works through you, the success or failure is to Him, and why do you bother about the outcome?

West says; tell to yourself that you can do. East says pray to God, leave it Him, and He will answer your prayer. Even if He doesn’t, there will be a reason for it.

West says decide what you want to be. East says whatever you are today, be content with it. More often the Eastern priorities revolve around the family and their needs, pushing the personal needs to a secondary place. The fact still remains that in India, still most of the people get educated not out of their passion, but to find a job. Many times, it is the first job that they take up decides their profession, and not their interest nor what they study. Our economy is yet to come to the level where you can choose to learn pot making because you like it and still have a comfortable life compared to your school mate who goes on to become a software engineer. Many of us have taken up a particular profession by chance and not by choice.

West says the stronger your desire is the faster you will achieve it. East says desire is the root cause of all misery.

West says you are what you think you are. East says that the “real you” is different from what you think you are. West says you are a product of your thoughts. East says thoughts are the product of you and realize that you and your thoughts are two different things.

Western philosophy seems to be self-centric, while Eastern philosophy is centered around “Self”!

So which is right? Which will work for you? Self-centered Western thoughts? “Self” centered Eastern philosophy? It all depends on how much western or eastern you are, in terms of your upbringing and mind set. But one thing is certain; there is no single philosophy that will work on every one in the same way. You need to discover your philosophy!